March 6, 2011.

There has been a lot on my mind this weekend.
And by a lot, I mean a lotttt.
Mainly, school. I had it set in my head that I wanted to be a big CEO of a Public Relations firm. Then, I realized that I don't want to have a desk job. I don't want to be sitting around, typing in a computer for a career. I find this a hobby, & that's it, you know?
I am finally deciding to fulfill my dream as a cosmetologist. I love doing it, & it's what I'm going to do for as long as my physical shape allows me. When it comes the time for me to stop, I will. I can't push my body too far, but I'm not going to allow it to hold me back from my dreams.

My daddy's getting married three weeks from yesterday.
I'm not really excited for it. I'm eighteen years old, & getting a new stepmom just isn't exciting anymore.
Plus, my dad's changed. A lot. He use to be so exciting, so fun to talk to & hang out with. Even at almost 58 years old, he was always interesting. And now, he's boring. He talks about old people stuff & he doesn't even seem like the dad that I've always had. As much as I appreciate Dianne getting him to go to church & such, it's not my dad anymore. He doesn't have the same life in his eyes & in his actions as he use to, & it kills me.
For anybody that knows me, both of my parents are relatively older. My mother's 54, & my dad's about to turn 58. All my life, you could never tell their age at all. You still can't tell my mom's. But now, it scares me because my dad's acting old, & it makes me realize that unlike some people whose parents are in their forties, my dad's not, & on top of all that, he's starting to actually age.

Everything's really been hitting me lately. Most people would be excited to be in their second senior year & be finally graduating. I'm scared to death. I'm three months away from leaving the comfortable state of high school & go into either living in an apartment & going to college or living on campus, either option is frightening to me. I've never been one to stay away from home. I've only gone away for more than two days with church camps. Never for longer than a week. It scares me, it's like some dark cloud looming over me, asking what happens if I get out of high school & fail at everything. What if I go out into the real world, find out that I really suck at cosmetology, & get left on my ass to be nitpicked & prodded by every skeptic out there? Then what am I suppose to do? I have no special talents, I don't handle any certain situation better than others. Nothing I do is brilliant or extraordinary. I'm a normal person. I don't have any other interest than beauty & fashion. I can't draw, or design. I can't sing. I can't do anything else artistic, & forget the business careers.
I'm not unique. There are a million other girls out there just like me with a lot more talent in the cosmetic field than I. So how am I to know that I won't get into the halls of whatever school I go to & fall flat amongst the rest of the students?

I'm think it's time to start some therapy sessions again. Dr. White, I will be giving you a call, I'm sure.

ughhh.

i really wish i knew wherethehell these mood swings came from. i was perfectly happy earlier, now i feel like i'm going to break down into tears. i don't know why. it's killing me, though, because this happens almost every night, no matter what i'm doing. at the end of the night, i break down, & i either cry, or almost cry. sometimes, i don't even sleep because i'm crying so hard & for so long, & then other times, i cry myself straight to sleep. & people wonder why i'm always tired during the day.
it's because during the day, i'm happy, & i can sleep when i'm happy.
not at night. i don't know if it's my panic attacks or just me, but it sucks.
plus, i'm in pain. not the typical, sore pain. i'm in legit pain.
people say i complain too much, well, here's what's up:
LYME DISEASE SUCKS. especially being eighteen years old & having this disease that is going to cause degeneration in every join in my body, be passed on to my kids, & will never be cured. it sucks. i would love to see the people that talk about me complaining get diagnosed with this shit & live to not complain. because it's impossible. the smallest physical activity completely drains me, & it's almost impossible for me to do my job correctly without going to the basement at work & crying for a few minutes. i can't go out & do the stuff i would normally love to do because i'm either in pain, or in the middle of a panic attack, or my medicine's messing with me & i'm sick. so next time you want to talk to ME about complaining, just imagine being a vibrant, eighteen year old girl with her entire life ahead of her, & then finding out that in the future, there will be years cut off from my life, my kids will suffer from this, & i will be in & out of doctors offices for the rest of my life. you sit there, hear that, & don't complain.
bunch of pussies. you wouldn't last more than a week.
i'm a strong person. i've learned that i will complain, but i will be okay eventually. so don't you ever, EVER tell me that i complain too much, until you feel like you're a 90 year old man with arthritis & fibromyalgia.

I just feel like

everything in my life can't get better, but it keeps on doing so. Aside from my health, everything's been going really good.

February 17, 2011.

So, I found out my ex has moved on today. The ex that treated me like I was beneath him & such has moved on. That's not the breaking news, & honestly, it doesn't even phase me. What gets me is the fact that this girl he's moved onto is 10x's the party girl I ever was, & she's like, sixteen. Now, screw me if I'm wrong, but that just doesn't seem right. Haha.
Ohwell, one of them will screw the other over, & that'll be the end of that.

Meanwhile, in FantasyLand, my life is going great(: I'm loving the time I'm spending with Spencer, whether it's those intimate moments or if we're yelling at the soccer teams on the fields. We can be around anybody, & be just as happy as we are when we're alone.

However, right now... He's not on Facebook, & I'm being paranoid.

HUGE POST! BIG UPDATE!(:

21. One of your favorite shows.

Criminal Minds.

Jersey Shore.

Bad Girls Club.

22. How have you changed in the past two years?

I've matured. I realized that I don't have to have a guy to make me happy, but I found somebody that does, & that's what learning in relationships is all about. There's nothing better than looking back on me two years ago, & seeing me now. I've changed so much, but it's all been for the better, & I love it.

23. Five celebrity males that you find attractive.

Anderson Cooper

Jake Gyllenhaal.

"Mark Sloan" from Grey's Anatomy.

Johnny Knoxville.

Travis Barker.

24. Your favorite movie & what's it about.

Green Street Hooligans.



Oh, wow.

I haven't been on in a week. I coulda sworn I was going to stick to this thing better than I have been, but ohwell. I've been busy. Or, not really busy. Just tired. & sick. I missed school Wednesday because I was in so much pain from my Lyme Disease.
Spencer has been wonderful this week. We've been lazy & cuddled every night this week, which has been really good for me because I haven't felt like doing anything. He bought me a slush puppy tonight, which was great.
I keep having to remind myself that I have him. That nobody else can take him from me. It's just hard to have the low amount of selfesteem that I have & see all these girls that he's talked to or dated or anything in the past, because I know that anybody else would easily pick them over me in the looks department. I know I have him, but there's still so much insecurity within myself, & I guess there's still a sort of lack of trust, too.
I am so tired of drama. There has been just nonstop drama that has nothing to do with me going on today, & I'm like... wtf. I just feel like I need to sit away from the computer when it's going on & let it play out.
I think there's some tension built up that I need to release. I want to find a physical release for everything. Like kickboxing or something. I need something that can calm me down.
I'm really looking forward to Valentine's day this year, which is weird, cause normally I'm like, ehhh whatever. But this year, I really have something to look forward to instead of just a normal day. & I have something planned to make Spencer's day wonderful, too.
Thing's are hopefully looking up around here. I hope... I need to start feeling better, though. I've been in excruciating pain for the past few days. If anybody wants to get me a massage therapy ticket or something, that would be amazing.
Anyways. I'm in pain now, which means I'm going to lay down. G'night. <3

Todaayyyy.

19. Disrespecting your parents.

I've disrespected my mom & dad before, yes. I don't condone it at all, but it's something that happens in every teenager's life. I do believe that sometimes, it gets you the freedom you deserve, if that makes sense, but I try to come at my mom with logical arguments, not disrespect.

20. How important do you think education is.

I think education's very important. There is a handful of people that make it big in their lives without highschool & college, & that's fine, but for me, I want to finish school & go to college & get a degree.

Quotes to Live By. TDC: 18.

18. Your beliefs.

Rather than putting my beliefs, I decided to put some quotes to live by.

That I live by, at least.

None of you understand. I’m not locked up in here with you. You’re locked up in here with me.

I believe in pink. I believe that laughing is the best calorie burner. I believe in kissing, kissing a lot. I believe in being strong when everything seems to be going wrong. I believe that happy girls are the prettiest girls. I believe that tomorrow is another day and I believe in miracles.

Nothing is impossible, the word itself says 'I'm possible'!

An ounce of performance is worth pounds of promises.

I never loved another person the way I loved myself.

I'll try anything once, twice if I like it, three times to make sure.

It isn't what I do, but how I do it. It isn't what I say, but how I say it, and how I look when I do it and say it.

If we burn our bridges as we cross them, we emerge on the other side with only the remembrance of the smell of smoke & the assumption that our eyes once watered.

There’s no such thing as a good influence.

The ship in the harbor is safest, but that’s not what ships are made for.



MKAY; SO.

I'm short. I'm eighteen. I love coloring books & poetry. I'm crazy, I have a no-holds-barred lookout on life. I will always tell you how I'm feeling. I love dancing to country music & I adore Ke$ha & everything she stands for.
I'm pro homo & pro choice, but I am neither gay nor do I ever plan on having an abortion. I'm not one to just drop friends, but if you push me enough, I'm willing to do so.
I appear a lot cockier than I really am, but I will never say I'm insecure. Just body conscious. I have no hard feelings towards anybody except my crazy ex. I'm not going to be some girl that has dreams for herself & never follows through.
I'm not a religious person. I'm much more of a naturalist & a liberal in my belief system. I believe in freedom of choice among people's religions, & that nobody can ever tell you what is right or wrong in your life.
If you screw up, that's on you. If everybody else thinks you screwed up, they're wrong. That is a judgement that only you yourself can make.
I'm all for second chances. But that's it. Once you've used your second chance, I'm done with you, & I will never look back.
I can own up to my mistakes when I know I've made them, but I will always fight to the death defending myself if I feel the need to.
I will never be a girl's girl. My mind functions much too much like a guy's for me to ever be able to be around a bunch of girls & feel comfortable. I have no need for a lot of girl friends, or to be with a lot of girls. I have no desire to have girly nights, or to get super dressed up all the time.
But I am drop dead sexy when I do. Believe that. I know when I'm all dolled up, with my hair done & my makeup fixed, I look better than half the girls out there.
I want people to know me. The real me. The no nonsense, out of control me.
The me that loves rainy nights with my composition book, filling up the pages with original poetry. The one that isn't afraid to do anything, but can't stand being in huge crowds.
I want people to know me.
That is all.

Thirty Day Challenge: Day Seventeen.

17. Your highs & lows of the past year.

2010. <3

High; New Year's.

Low; Day AFTER New Year's.

High; Becoming friends with Kristina.

Low; Totalling my Eclipse.

High; Going to Destin.

Low; Having Jake break up with me for being me.

High; Enjoying my life with "The Click."

Low; Losing The Click & the friends I had in it.

High; Meeting Spencer Hardin Lauderdale.

Low; Losing Brandi.

High; Falling in love with Spencer.

Low; Failing the first semester of my second senior year.

High; Spending Christmas & New Year's with Spencer. <3

Wow, I see I didn't really have a lot of highs in 2010. I guess that means 2011 is going to be full of them.

Hopefully, getting my ring resized soon with Spencer. I'm so excited to be wearing the pretty little promise ring on my finger. 

Let me just say this. TDC: D15&16.

Do you see this? ^

This is perfection. We are perfect.

We are destined to be together.

He supports me, & if I was able to, I would support him.

Anybody who wants to hate on our relationship can suck it.

Anybody that wants to say anything about it, can literally jump off a bridge.

Seriously.

I AM GOING TO MARRY SPENCER LAUDERDALE, & THERE'S NOTHING YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT. KTHNX.

On a lighter note, I went to the Lyme Disease Specialist Monday, & news was good & bad. Good, I'm off my Metronidazole. Bad, I will always have Lyme Disease, & it will most likely be passed to my future children. So, I'm kinda in a torn mood about that at this moment. But, I'm going to get through this, I have an amazing support system, & I know that the people in my life are here for me.

15. Your favorite tumblr.

http://spittersarequittersss.tumblr.com/

http://backtothejerseyshore.tumblr.com/

http://thatfunnyblog.tumblr.com/

16. Your views on mainstream music.

I'm going to take "mainstream music" as music that's played frequently on the radio. In which case, I like it. I don't particularly have any music that I listen to that's "underground" or anything like that. 

Thirty Day Challenge: Day Fourteen.

14. Your earliest memory.

My earliest memory is one of when I was three years old, & I was at my first rodeo with my dad. He was smoking a cigarette, & somehow, he ashed his cigarette & it burned my thumb. I still have a scar on my thumb from it to this day.

Tonight, Spencer took me to TW!ST in Atlanta. It was an amazing night, & we had the perfect conversation afterwards. Our plans tomorrow include hanging out with Anden & Adam, & who knows what else we might do.

I'm so lucky to have found the one for me so young.

Thirty Day Challenge: Day Thirteen. Plus Actual Blogging.

13. Somewhere you'd like to visit, & why.

I've always wanted to visit Barcelona, Spain. I'm fascinated with the culture & beauty of the city, with all it's history & fantasy. The architecture is something I really want to see before I die, & I would love to go there for a week & see the different cathedrals & amazing buildings that are there. There's a romanticized feeling that I get when I look at pictures or anything from here, & I want to be a part of that.

Now, blog time.
I was thinking today about me & Spencer getting engaged. & it hit me: This boy has changed all my past ways of thinking about marriage & families & such. Before I met him, I believed that before somebody gets married, they should take a break & spend sometime with themselves & make sure that the marriage is what they really want. I do still believe this, but for other situations. Not mine. I know forsure that I want to spend the rest of my life with Spencer Hardin Lauderdale. There are no if, ands, or buts about it. He is my present, & my future, & one day, he will be my past as well. I'm inevitably in love with him, without a doubt. I want two kids with him, a girl named Addison Cain Lauderdale, & a boy named Hendrix Hardin Lauderdale. I want that perfect relationship that we have now to carry over & last for the next eighty years. I want to cry with him, to laugh with him, to yell at him, & to have him hold me when I need some kind of support. People can hate on our relationship as much as they want & say that we haven't been together long enough to say the things we say, or to feel the way we do, but I don't care. I'm in a place in my life where I need something stable, something that's forsure, & that's what Spencer is for me. He's my rock. He's my protection, & he's my refuge. I love him more than life itself, & I love him more than I ever thought was humanly possible for myself. He's my everything, & that includes my future husband.



Thirty Day Challenge: Day Twelve.

12. Bullet your whole day.

• Woke up.
• Shower, washed hair.
• Washed face. Brushed teeth.
• Did makeup.
• Blowdry Hair.
• Change clothes.
• Fix hair.
• Go to school.
• Learn.
• Leave school at 915am.
• Watch Pawpaw help lady jump car off.
• Come home.
• Sleep.
• Sleep.
• Sleep.
• Wake up.
• Shower again, shave legs.
• Get soccer stuff together.
• Go to Spencer's.
• Creep on FS.
• Eat dinner.
• Go to RYSA.
• Suck at soccer.
• Leave.
• Come home.
• Facebook, Formspring, Blog.
• Eat Pizza Rolls.
• Sleep.

Thirty Day Challenge: Days Nine, Ten & Eleven.

9. How you want your future to be.

I want to be successful & happy. I want to have a family with two kids, & a husband. I want love & happiness more than anything, but I definitely want to be financially stable.

10. Describe your first love & first kiss.

First love: Well, there's the first guy I loved. Cody Highfield. We were together for a year & a half, & I found out later that he lied to me about a lot of very important stuff. I worry about him still, but I will never care about him the way I did. Then there's the first guy I fell in love with. Spencer Hardin Lauderdale. They say the average person falls in love seven times in their lifetime, but for me it only took one. I'm going to spend the rest of my life with him, we're going to have a family, we're going to have a home, & we're going to last. Period.

First kiss: YUCK. Jesse English. Seventh grade. On the bleachers at Luella Middle School. I was so nervous, & it was just awkward & weird.

11. Put your iPod on shuffle & write down the first ten songs.

I don't have an iPod, so I'm just writing down my ten favorites.

1. Sleazy: Ke$ha

2. Favorite Girl: Justin Bieber

3. WildFlower: Jane Dear Girls

4. Look it Up: Ashton Shephard

5. Voices: Chris Young

6. What's My Name: Rihanna & Drake

7. Roman's Revenge: Nicki Minaj & Eminem

8. Almost Famous: Eminem

9. Won't Back Down: Eminem & Pink

10. Ooh La La La: Steele Magnolias

Thirty Day Challenge: Days Seven & Eight.

7. Your zodiac sign. Do you think it fits your personality?

This is something I found on Google about the Virgo Zodiac Sign.

People who were born in this period are as a rule generally successful in life. They have keen, good intellects, are very discriminating about those with whom they associate, and in all business matters they have good judgment, and are not easily imposed upon or deceived.

These people are and attracted to only that knowledge that can be applied usefully. They will happily share this information with anyone, if it confirms their own usefulness in the world, and brings them eagerly out of there shells.

Virgos are usually fastidious about their personal appearance, have a great respect for rank and position, and are great supporters of the law and the law's decisions.

These people are more capable of going to extremes in good and evil than any other type.

In love they are the most difficult to understand, the very best and the very worst of men and women being born in this part of the year. To people born under this sign love is not dramatic, emotional, or sentimental. Love for them is devotion and will include love of family, friends, and those less fortunate than he or she. There is no pretense involved in how they act or what they say. Marriage is a major commitment; they value their union as both a love relationship and a working partnership. A warm relationship brings out the best in anyone born under this sign because basically they are kind, devoted and very loyal.

Disappointment, however, can harden them into a cynic and a skeptic. Virgos consequently become quite critical with themselves as well as with circumstances, due to the effect of such disappointments on a sensitive and discriminating nature.

Now, do I agree with this?

Oh yes. I definitely do. I feel as though it fits me to a T. Completely.

I feel like the love description is like these people completely got into my head.

8. A moment you felt most satisfied with your life.

The day I felt most satisfied with my life... Today. January 22, 2011. Yes. I was talking to my mom, & I realized I have everything I could ever want or need in my life right now. I have people that love me. I have an amazing boyfriend. I'm getting my best friends back. I've got selfconfidence & a bright outlook on the future. I've got a plan for my life. I've got a chance to make something of myself. & mostly, I've gotten this freedom of thinking, "I don't care what you do to me."

I realized that nothing is ever going to hold me down for long, if at all. Anything that anybody can do to me, I can do back ten fold. I'm done worrying, stressing, or anything. I have more important things to worry about than some jerk that's trying to ruin my life. (Kiss, kiss, sweetheart.) As soon as the words, "you looked awesome in that chevy, bro" left my fingertips, I felt as thought I was completely invincible, & I am. Nothing's going to hurt me, nothing's going to bother me. Nothing. Ever again. I gained myself back tonight. And it feels so good.

Chillin' out, dude. I'm done stressing it.

It's making me age too fast.

Yeah, well.

Awesome. Now I feel like a complete jackass.
Anyways. Had a good day with my dad & brother. & then a good night with Spencer.

I hate these moods I get in. Sometimes, they're the "dude, i'm awesome" moods, then other times it's like... "shoot me now." I think it's time to take my own advice for once.

I hate when I try to make things better, & they get worse.
I hate when I try to make a joke, & nothing goes right because my sense of humor's twisted.
I hate when I'm sitting here reading or thinking or anything, & I start crying out of nowhere.
Ugh.
I am not feeling school tomorrow. I'm ready to be out of freaking high school & onto college. I don't even care where I go or what I do anymore. I feel like I plan & plan, & then when it comes down to it, nobody's there with me, or nobody's truly supporting me, or nothing works how I feel it should.
And now, after feeling awesome all day & all night, I feel as though every ounce of optimism & energy has been drained out of my body.
Good freakin' night.

Thirty Day Challenge: Day Six. Thirty Facts.

6. Thirty Interesting Facts About Yourself.

1. I'm fullblooded Romanian.

2. I have naturally red hair & blue eyes.

3. I love footie pj's.

4. I'm a very cocky person.

5. I went to Christian school from Pre-K to 5th Grade, then again in 8th & 9th grade. I'm the prime example of why they don't work.

6. I talk to my dog like a human.

7. I actually enjoy the fact that my parents are divorced.

8. Jealousy's gotten me nothing.

9. I do miss some of my old friends, but mostly I miss our good times.

10. There is one thing I regret in my life. & he has a name.

11. I was barely interested in Spencer when he first started talking to me.

12. That changed about a month later.

13. I tell my brother more stuff than I've told my parents. & Spencer even more than that.

14. School is actually something I enjoy. Just not something I'm good at.

15. I get told that I look 16 & act 25.

16. I can't wait to get older & start a family with Spencer.

17. I am 100% that Spencer's who I will have a family with.

18. Nothing irritates me more than people that tell me I don't "look" sick, so I must not be feeling too bad.

19. I want to find a way to educate people more about Lyme Disease & the terrible effects it can have on people.

20. I think I would rather have tattoos than a corporate career.

21. I consider myself one of the funniest people I know.

22. I would rather watch Criminal Minds than Jersey Shore.

23. I'm actually a very artsy person, with no drawing ability. I'm literaturely gifted.

24. I made some major upgrades in 2010, give or take a few setbacks.

25. I want to live on a farm when I get older. With miniature horses, big horses, cats, & dogs.

26. I hate working in a vet's office. I love animals, though.

27. During ages 5 to 13, I wanted to be a veterinarian. Until I realized that I faint at the sight of blood.

28. I know more about cars than most guys, & a lot of it has been selftaught.

29. I would rather sit in a back alley than be at home.

30. I am never satisfied, unless it's in my love life.

Thirty Day Challenge: Day Five. Ending your own life.

5. Talk about a time you considered ending your own life.

Don't judge me for this post. I think just about everybody has considered taking their life. I know the thought's crossed my mind a couple of times. I hit a very low place in eleventh grade, & then again in twelfth grade, when nothing was going how I thought it would & a lot was on my plate. I thought that my only way out would be to kill myself, but I never got up the guts to think about when or how. If you're considering suicide, you need to get in touch with a suicide hotline or talk to somebody. Once you lay your thoughts & feelings out on the table, & look at them rationally, you start to realize that nothing is as bad as it truly seems. It took a lot of personal growth for me to realize that not only would I be ending my life & ruining any dreams I ever had, I would also be hurting my family & friends, & that's not something I would want to do. Nothing that I was going through would not heal over time.

1-800-273 TALK 

The number above is a suicide hotline listed in Atlanta.

If you feel the need to talk to somebody about the thoughts you've been having, please give them a call. Your life is more valuable & more important than you think.

Thirty Day Challenge: Day Four.

4. Your views on religion.

This will probably be quite touchy.

I don't like religion. At least, not organized religion. I believe in a personal relationship with whatever higher power you believe in, not a meeting place. I think fellowship should be held on your own time, not at a designated time on a designated day.

I believe the Bible was written by man, therefore, it will have man made opinions & mistakes in it. I believe that it was divinely inspired. It didn't appear in the sky in God's hand.

I do believe that God must exist to create things like this.

Thirty Day Challenge: Day Three.

3. Your views on drugs & alcohol.

I do not personally do drugs, I don't drink. I do believe that it is your choice, however. I'm not going to put myself in a situation of addiction or self hurt for one night of fun. If you are of a stable mind to pick whether or not you want to do these things, then I believe that you should choose it for yourself.

Analisse posted on her blog that one thing she admires about me is my honesty. So, I would like to say thank you for that, & that's one of my big things I try to stick by in my day to day life.

I am on a major prowl for roommates at the moment who are going to Gordon College in the Fall of 2011. Females, one or two, who don't mind living with two guys & are going to be able to support their portion of rent, whether it be from Mommy & Daddy or a personal job.

Thirty Day Challenge: Day Two.

2. Where you'd like to see yourself in ten years.

1. I want to be married, & have at least one kid. I want to be married around 21 or 22, & have my first kid at 26. That's my perfect idea.

2. I want to be working at a Public Relations firm, hopefully doing a lot of PR stuff with corporations & people.

3. I want to be out of Henry County. Whether this includes living in Atlanta, New York, wherever my family & career takes me, I will go. I want to be somewhere that is going to allow me to flourish personally as well as spiritually.

4. I would love to be working a part time volunteer job or something at an animal shelter or vet's office.

I had lunch today with my amazing boyfriend, Spencer Lauderdale, my oldest friend, Analisse Hamilton, & somebody who has already topped the list of my favorites of Spencer's friends, Taylor Purvis. It was nice to hang out with people & just relax & eat rather than be worried about where the next party's at, or what we're going to do next. I have always hated being around groups of people because nobody can ever decide what to do when, & nobody can agree with anybody else, but being around the three of them, everything just seemed right, like we were just perfectly fine with sitting around talking, even if we were in a nasty Taco Bell, & all these trashy people were walking in, half of them speaking to me.

Analisse mentioned something in her blog: http://365cx3.blogspot.com/ that really made me smile. She said that you can tell how perfect Spencer & I am for each other because I can completely be myself with him & you can tell how much he adores me as I am. That means so much coming from somebody who has known me for as long as she has.

We have a photoshoot scheduled tomorrow, we're going to Decatur to take pictures with the graffiti & old buildings around that area. If you know anything about me, you know that I love having my picture taken, & if I had been a bit skinnier & a lot taller, I would have tried to be a model at some point in my life.

Thirty Day Challenge: Day One.

I'm taking a thirty day blog challenge.

1. Your current relationship, if single, discuss how it is.

Well, to start it off, I am not single. I started officially dating Spencer Hardin Lauderdale on November 12, 2010. We haven't been together very long, no, but I'm with him for good, & I know it.

It started on September 1, 2010, which is my birthday. He told me happy birthday, commented on a picture of mine, & we went from there.

We had a math class together when I was in eleventh grade & he was in twelfth.

He's perfect for me, in the way that he lets me be myself in everything we do, & he listens to my opinions, whether they're the same as his or not.

He thinks I'm beautiful, & he talks to me like a human being, not his dog or some cheap whore.

January 15, 2011.

Well, today should be interesting. Only not really.
I'm in my house until somebody decides to come save me from boredom. Anything other than sitting here would be highly welcomed at this moment.
I've been looking at colleges all morning. It's really beginning to drive me crazy, but it works.
I want to get all cute & go out & have like... a GOOD night.
(Not that last night wasn't absolutely perfect) I want like... a party night. Not really party... Just to be around a bunch of people.
I love my boyfriend, really, but I want to hang out with him AND other people. At the same time.

Oh, geeze, the ice & snow is finally starting to disappear around my house. We have so many trees that shade the entire area around my house, the sun hasn't been able to get down & melt it all away. I busted my BUTT the other day walking down our stairs in the back. I got to like... the second one, & I fell all the way down to the cement sidewalk.

I have an appointment with the Lyme Disease specialist on January 24th, which is a week from Monday. I'm kinda nervous, in all honesty. I don't like the doctor at all, he's one of those people that shoves his intelligence in your face. I realize that he's been treating Lyme Disease for twenty five years. I get that. But he still doesn't have to act like everybody else around him is stupid.

The Perfection Theory.

"Perfection is not just about control.

It is about losing control."

Oh, how true that quote has become recently. In my eighteen years on earth, it was my eighteenth birthday that changed my control. Years of holding my tongue, biting my cheek, heeling my thoughts was all blown away the moment I met Spencer.

I realized tonight, & have been realizing a lot lately, that he is the reason for my happiness now. He has shown me that I can be myself, & that people will still love me for that.

So far, this year's started out pretty great. I got to bring it in with Spencer, & then I've had amazing days since then.

He bought me flowers tonight, & they are so gorgeous. I love him much.

You know, I've lost basically all of my friends, but I'm absolutely positive that I'm okay with that. I've realized that it's not how many people are in your life, but how much life is in your people, & the few I've got in my life right now keep me going. It's brought me a lot closer to my family, & it's gotten my mind back on track with school & my future.

I'm done talking about all that now.

On to the real topic of this post.

Is perfection based on being in control of every single movement, or is it more based on the ability to completely grasp the insanity that lives in every single moment of every single day?

Spencer & I watched Black Swan tonight. The entire concept was thrown about that the girl's perfection was what was ruining her, & that -in hinesight- by her losing that perfection & control, she preformed perfectly.

I believe I have found recently, that the way Natalie Portman portrays the Black Swan, in the way she completely loses all concept of reality & just pushes herself out of her comfort zone & into complete insanity, is more along the lines of what I consider perfect.

The idea that anything could happen at any moment, & that in that moment something wonderful can happen, is by far my definition of perfect.