ughhh.

i really wish i knew wherethehell these mood swings came from. i was perfectly happy earlier, now i feel like i'm going to break down into tears. i don't know why. it's killing me, though, because this happens almost every night, no matter what i'm doing. at the end of the night, i break down, & i either cry, or almost cry. sometimes, i don't even sleep because i'm crying so hard & for so long, & then other times, i cry myself straight to sleep. & people wonder why i'm always tired during the day.
it's because during the day, i'm happy, & i can sleep when i'm happy.
not at night. i don't know if it's my panic attacks or just me, but it sucks.
plus, i'm in pain. not the typical, sore pain. i'm in legit pain.
people say i complain too much, well, here's what's up:
LYME DISEASE SUCKS. especially being eighteen years old & having this disease that is going to cause degeneration in every join in my body, be passed on to my kids, & will never be cured. it sucks. i would love to see the people that talk about me complaining get diagnosed with this shit & live to not complain. because it's impossible. the smallest physical activity completely drains me, & it's almost impossible for me to do my job correctly without going to the basement at work & crying for a few minutes. i can't go out & do the stuff i would normally love to do because i'm either in pain, or in the middle of a panic attack, or my medicine's messing with me & i'm sick. so next time you want to talk to ME about complaining, just imagine being a vibrant, eighteen year old girl with her entire life ahead of her, & then finding out that in the future, there will be years cut off from my life, my kids will suffer from this, & i will be in & out of doctors offices for the rest of my life. you sit there, hear that, & don't complain.
bunch of pussies. you wouldn't last more than a week.
i'm a strong person. i've learned that i will complain, but i will be okay eventually. so don't you ever, EVER tell me that i complain too much, until you feel like you're a 90 year old man with arthritis & fibromyalgia.

I just feel like

everything in my life can't get better, but it keeps on doing so. Aside from my health, everything's been going really good.

February 17, 2011.

So, I found out my ex has moved on today. The ex that treated me like I was beneath him & such has moved on. That's not the breaking news, & honestly, it doesn't even phase me. What gets me is the fact that this girl he's moved onto is 10x's the party girl I ever was, & she's like, sixteen. Now, screw me if I'm wrong, but that just doesn't seem right. Haha.
Ohwell, one of them will screw the other over, & that'll be the end of that.

Meanwhile, in FantasyLand, my life is going great(: I'm loving the time I'm spending with Spencer, whether it's those intimate moments or if we're yelling at the soccer teams on the fields. We can be around anybody, & be just as happy as we are when we're alone.

However, right now... He's not on Facebook, & I'm being paranoid.

HUGE POST! BIG UPDATE!(:

21. One of your favorite shows.

Criminal Minds.

Jersey Shore.

Bad Girls Club.

22. How have you changed in the past two years?

I've matured. I realized that I don't have to have a guy to make me happy, but I found somebody that does, & that's what learning in relationships is all about. There's nothing better than looking back on me two years ago, & seeing me now. I've changed so much, but it's all been for the better, & I love it.

23. Five celebrity males that you find attractive.

Anderson Cooper

Jake Gyllenhaal.

"Mark Sloan" from Grey's Anatomy.

Johnny Knoxville.

Travis Barker.

24. Your favorite movie & what's it about.

Green Street Hooligans.



Oh, wow.

I haven't been on in a week. I coulda sworn I was going to stick to this thing better than I have been, but ohwell. I've been busy. Or, not really busy. Just tired. & sick. I missed school Wednesday because I was in so much pain from my Lyme Disease.
Spencer has been wonderful this week. We've been lazy & cuddled every night this week, which has been really good for me because I haven't felt like doing anything. He bought me a slush puppy tonight, which was great.
I keep having to remind myself that I have him. That nobody else can take him from me. It's just hard to have the low amount of selfesteem that I have & see all these girls that he's talked to or dated or anything in the past, because I know that anybody else would easily pick them over me in the looks department. I know I have him, but there's still so much insecurity within myself, & I guess there's still a sort of lack of trust, too.
I am so tired of drama. There has been just nonstop drama that has nothing to do with me going on today, & I'm like... wtf. I just feel like I need to sit away from the computer when it's going on & let it play out.
I think there's some tension built up that I need to release. I want to find a physical release for everything. Like kickboxing or something. I need something that can calm me down.
I'm really looking forward to Valentine's day this year, which is weird, cause normally I'm like, ehhh whatever. But this year, I really have something to look forward to instead of just a normal day. & I have something planned to make Spencer's day wonderful, too.
Thing's are hopefully looking up around here. I hope... I need to start feeling better, though. I've been in excruciating pain for the past few days. If anybody wants to get me a massage therapy ticket or something, that would be amazing.
Anyways. I'm in pain now, which means I'm going to lay down. G'night. <3

Todaayyyy.

19. Disrespecting your parents.

I've disrespected my mom & dad before, yes. I don't condone it at all, but it's something that happens in every teenager's life. I do believe that sometimes, it gets you the freedom you deserve, if that makes sense, but I try to come at my mom with logical arguments, not disrespect.

20. How important do you think education is.

I think education's very important. There is a handful of people that make it big in their lives without highschool & college, & that's fine, but for me, I want to finish school & go to college & get a degree.

Quotes to Live By. TDC: 18.

18. Your beliefs.

Rather than putting my beliefs, I decided to put some quotes to live by.

That I live by, at least.

None of you understand. I’m not locked up in here with you. You’re locked up in here with me.

I believe in pink. I believe that laughing is the best calorie burner. I believe in kissing, kissing a lot. I believe in being strong when everything seems to be going wrong. I believe that happy girls are the prettiest girls. I believe that tomorrow is another day and I believe in miracles.

Nothing is impossible, the word itself says 'I'm possible'!

An ounce of performance is worth pounds of promises.

I never loved another person the way I loved myself.

I'll try anything once, twice if I like it, three times to make sure.

It isn't what I do, but how I do it. It isn't what I say, but how I say it, and how I look when I do it and say it.

If we burn our bridges as we cross them, we emerge on the other side with only the remembrance of the smell of smoke & the assumption that our eyes once watered.

There’s no such thing as a good influence.

The ship in the harbor is safest, but that’s not what ships are made for.



MKAY; SO.

I'm short. I'm eighteen. I love coloring books & poetry. I'm crazy, I have a no-holds-barred lookout on life. I will always tell you how I'm feeling. I love dancing to country music & I adore Ke$ha & everything she stands for.
I'm pro homo & pro choice, but I am neither gay nor do I ever plan on having an abortion. I'm not one to just drop friends, but if you push me enough, I'm willing to do so.
I appear a lot cockier than I really am, but I will never say I'm insecure. Just body conscious. I have no hard feelings towards anybody except my crazy ex. I'm not going to be some girl that has dreams for herself & never follows through.
I'm not a religious person. I'm much more of a naturalist & a liberal in my belief system. I believe in freedom of choice among people's religions, & that nobody can ever tell you what is right or wrong in your life.
If you screw up, that's on you. If everybody else thinks you screwed up, they're wrong. That is a judgement that only you yourself can make.
I'm all for second chances. But that's it. Once you've used your second chance, I'm done with you, & I will never look back.
I can own up to my mistakes when I know I've made them, but I will always fight to the death defending myself if I feel the need to.
I will never be a girl's girl. My mind functions much too much like a guy's for me to ever be able to be around a bunch of girls & feel comfortable. I have no need for a lot of girl friends, or to be with a lot of girls. I have no desire to have girly nights, or to get super dressed up all the time.
But I am drop dead sexy when I do. Believe that. I know when I'm all dolled up, with my hair done & my makeup fixed, I look better than half the girls out there.
I want people to know me. The real me. The no nonsense, out of control me.
The me that loves rainy nights with my composition book, filling up the pages with original poetry. The one that isn't afraid to do anything, but can't stand being in huge crowds.
I want people to know me.
That is all.