Thirty Day Challenge: Day Seventeen.

17. Your highs & lows of the past year.

2010. <3

High; New Year's.

Low; Day AFTER New Year's.

High; Becoming friends with Kristina.

Low; Totalling my Eclipse.

High; Going to Destin.

Low; Having Jake break up with me for being me.

High; Enjoying my life with "The Click."

Low; Losing The Click & the friends I had in it.

High; Meeting Spencer Hardin Lauderdale.

Low; Losing Brandi.

High; Falling in love with Spencer.

Low; Failing the first semester of my second senior year.

High; Spending Christmas & New Year's with Spencer. <3

Wow, I see I didn't really have a lot of highs in 2010. I guess that means 2011 is going to be full of them.

Hopefully, getting my ring resized soon with Spencer. I'm so excited to be wearing the pretty little promise ring on my finger. 

Let me just say this. TDC: D15&16.

Do you see this? ^

This is perfection. We are perfect.

We are destined to be together.

He supports me, & if I was able to, I would support him.

Anybody who wants to hate on our relationship can suck it.

Anybody that wants to say anything about it, can literally jump off a bridge.

Seriously.

I AM GOING TO MARRY SPENCER LAUDERDALE, & THERE'S NOTHING YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT. KTHNX.

On a lighter note, I went to the Lyme Disease Specialist Monday, & news was good & bad. Good, I'm off my Metronidazole. Bad, I will always have Lyme Disease, & it will most likely be passed to my future children. So, I'm kinda in a torn mood about that at this moment. But, I'm going to get through this, I have an amazing support system, & I know that the people in my life are here for me.

15. Your favorite tumblr.

http://spittersarequittersss.tumblr.com/

http://backtothejerseyshore.tumblr.com/

http://thatfunnyblog.tumblr.com/

16. Your views on mainstream music.

I'm going to take "mainstream music" as music that's played frequently on the radio. In which case, I like it. I don't particularly have any music that I listen to that's "underground" or anything like that. 

Thirty Day Challenge: Day Fourteen.

14. Your earliest memory.

My earliest memory is one of when I was three years old, & I was at my first rodeo with my dad. He was smoking a cigarette, & somehow, he ashed his cigarette & it burned my thumb. I still have a scar on my thumb from it to this day.

Tonight, Spencer took me to TW!ST in Atlanta. It was an amazing night, & we had the perfect conversation afterwards. Our plans tomorrow include hanging out with Anden & Adam, & who knows what else we might do.

I'm so lucky to have found the one for me so young.

Thirty Day Challenge: Day Thirteen. Plus Actual Blogging.

13. Somewhere you'd like to visit, & why.

I've always wanted to visit Barcelona, Spain. I'm fascinated with the culture & beauty of the city, with all it's history & fantasy. The architecture is something I really want to see before I die, & I would love to go there for a week & see the different cathedrals & amazing buildings that are there. There's a romanticized feeling that I get when I look at pictures or anything from here, & I want to be a part of that.

Now, blog time.
I was thinking today about me & Spencer getting engaged. & it hit me: This boy has changed all my past ways of thinking about marriage & families & such. Before I met him, I believed that before somebody gets married, they should take a break & spend sometime with themselves & make sure that the marriage is what they really want. I do still believe this, but for other situations. Not mine. I know forsure that I want to spend the rest of my life with Spencer Hardin Lauderdale. There are no if, ands, or buts about it. He is my present, & my future, & one day, he will be my past as well. I'm inevitably in love with him, without a doubt. I want two kids with him, a girl named Addison Cain Lauderdale, & a boy named Hendrix Hardin Lauderdale. I want that perfect relationship that we have now to carry over & last for the next eighty years. I want to cry with him, to laugh with him, to yell at him, & to have him hold me when I need some kind of support. People can hate on our relationship as much as they want & say that we haven't been together long enough to say the things we say, or to feel the way we do, but I don't care. I'm in a place in my life where I need something stable, something that's forsure, & that's what Spencer is for me. He's my rock. He's my protection, & he's my refuge. I love him more than life itself, & I love him more than I ever thought was humanly possible for myself. He's my everything, & that includes my future husband.



Thirty Day Challenge: Day Twelve.

12. Bullet your whole day.

• Woke up.
• Shower, washed hair.
• Washed face. Brushed teeth.
• Did makeup.
• Blowdry Hair.
• Change clothes.
• Fix hair.
• Go to school.
• Learn.
• Leave school at 915am.
• Watch Pawpaw help lady jump car off.
• Come home.
• Sleep.
• Sleep.
• Sleep.
• Wake up.
• Shower again, shave legs.
• Get soccer stuff together.
• Go to Spencer's.
• Creep on FS.
• Eat dinner.
• Go to RYSA.
• Suck at soccer.
• Leave.
• Come home.
• Facebook, Formspring, Blog.
• Eat Pizza Rolls.
• Sleep.

Thirty Day Challenge: Days Nine, Ten & Eleven.

9. How you want your future to be.

I want to be successful & happy. I want to have a family with two kids, & a husband. I want love & happiness more than anything, but I definitely want to be financially stable.

10. Describe your first love & first kiss.

First love: Well, there's the first guy I loved. Cody Highfield. We were together for a year & a half, & I found out later that he lied to me about a lot of very important stuff. I worry about him still, but I will never care about him the way I did. Then there's the first guy I fell in love with. Spencer Hardin Lauderdale. They say the average person falls in love seven times in their lifetime, but for me it only took one. I'm going to spend the rest of my life with him, we're going to have a family, we're going to have a home, & we're going to last. Period.

First kiss: YUCK. Jesse English. Seventh grade. On the bleachers at Luella Middle School. I was so nervous, & it was just awkward & weird.

11. Put your iPod on shuffle & write down the first ten songs.

I don't have an iPod, so I'm just writing down my ten favorites.

1. Sleazy: Ke$ha

2. Favorite Girl: Justin Bieber

3. WildFlower: Jane Dear Girls

4. Look it Up: Ashton Shephard

5. Voices: Chris Young

6. What's My Name: Rihanna & Drake

7. Roman's Revenge: Nicki Minaj & Eminem

8. Almost Famous: Eminem

9. Won't Back Down: Eminem & Pink

10. Ooh La La La: Steele Magnolias

Thirty Day Challenge: Days Seven & Eight.

7. Your zodiac sign. Do you think it fits your personality?

This is something I found on Google about the Virgo Zodiac Sign.

People who were born in this period are as a rule generally successful in life. They have keen, good intellects, are very discriminating about those with whom they associate, and in all business matters they have good judgment, and are not easily imposed upon or deceived.

These people are and attracted to only that knowledge that can be applied usefully. They will happily share this information with anyone, if it confirms their own usefulness in the world, and brings them eagerly out of there shells.

Virgos are usually fastidious about their personal appearance, have a great respect for rank and position, and are great supporters of the law and the law's decisions.

These people are more capable of going to extremes in good and evil than any other type.

In love they are the most difficult to understand, the very best and the very worst of men and women being born in this part of the year. To people born under this sign love is not dramatic, emotional, or sentimental. Love for them is devotion and will include love of family, friends, and those less fortunate than he or she. There is no pretense involved in how they act or what they say. Marriage is a major commitment; they value their union as both a love relationship and a working partnership. A warm relationship brings out the best in anyone born under this sign because basically they are kind, devoted and very loyal.

Disappointment, however, can harden them into a cynic and a skeptic. Virgos consequently become quite critical with themselves as well as with circumstances, due to the effect of such disappointments on a sensitive and discriminating nature.

Now, do I agree with this?

Oh yes. I definitely do. I feel as though it fits me to a T. Completely.

I feel like the love description is like these people completely got into my head.

8. A moment you felt most satisfied with your life.

The day I felt most satisfied with my life... Today. January 22, 2011. Yes. I was talking to my mom, & I realized I have everything I could ever want or need in my life right now. I have people that love me. I have an amazing boyfriend. I'm getting my best friends back. I've got selfconfidence & a bright outlook on the future. I've got a plan for my life. I've got a chance to make something of myself. & mostly, I've gotten this freedom of thinking, "I don't care what you do to me."

I realized that nothing is ever going to hold me down for long, if at all. Anything that anybody can do to me, I can do back ten fold. I'm done worrying, stressing, or anything. I have more important things to worry about than some jerk that's trying to ruin my life. (Kiss, kiss, sweetheart.) As soon as the words, "you looked awesome in that chevy, bro" left my fingertips, I felt as thought I was completely invincible, & I am. Nothing's going to hurt me, nothing's going to bother me. Nothing. Ever again. I gained myself back tonight. And it feels so good.

Chillin' out, dude. I'm done stressing it.

It's making me age too fast.

Yeah, well.

Awesome. Now I feel like a complete jackass.
Anyways. Had a good day with my dad & brother. & then a good night with Spencer.

I hate these moods I get in. Sometimes, they're the "dude, i'm awesome" moods, then other times it's like... "shoot me now." I think it's time to take my own advice for once.

I hate when I try to make things better, & they get worse.
I hate when I try to make a joke, & nothing goes right because my sense of humor's twisted.
I hate when I'm sitting here reading or thinking or anything, & I start crying out of nowhere.
Ugh.
I am not feeling school tomorrow. I'm ready to be out of freaking high school & onto college. I don't even care where I go or what I do anymore. I feel like I plan & plan, & then when it comes down to it, nobody's there with me, or nobody's truly supporting me, or nothing works how I feel it should.
And now, after feeling awesome all day & all night, I feel as though every ounce of optimism & energy has been drained out of my body.
Good freakin' night.

Thirty Day Challenge: Day Six. Thirty Facts.

6. Thirty Interesting Facts About Yourself.

1. I'm fullblooded Romanian.

2. I have naturally red hair & blue eyes.

3. I love footie pj's.

4. I'm a very cocky person.

5. I went to Christian school from Pre-K to 5th Grade, then again in 8th & 9th grade. I'm the prime example of why they don't work.

6. I talk to my dog like a human.

7. I actually enjoy the fact that my parents are divorced.

8. Jealousy's gotten me nothing.

9. I do miss some of my old friends, but mostly I miss our good times.

10. There is one thing I regret in my life. & he has a name.

11. I was barely interested in Spencer when he first started talking to me.

12. That changed about a month later.

13. I tell my brother more stuff than I've told my parents. & Spencer even more than that.

14. School is actually something I enjoy. Just not something I'm good at.

15. I get told that I look 16 & act 25.

16. I can't wait to get older & start a family with Spencer.

17. I am 100% that Spencer's who I will have a family with.

18. Nothing irritates me more than people that tell me I don't "look" sick, so I must not be feeling too bad.

19. I want to find a way to educate people more about Lyme Disease & the terrible effects it can have on people.

20. I think I would rather have tattoos than a corporate career.

21. I consider myself one of the funniest people I know.

22. I would rather watch Criminal Minds than Jersey Shore.

23. I'm actually a very artsy person, with no drawing ability. I'm literaturely gifted.

24. I made some major upgrades in 2010, give or take a few setbacks.

25. I want to live on a farm when I get older. With miniature horses, big horses, cats, & dogs.

26. I hate working in a vet's office. I love animals, though.

27. During ages 5 to 13, I wanted to be a veterinarian. Until I realized that I faint at the sight of blood.

28. I know more about cars than most guys, & a lot of it has been selftaught.

29. I would rather sit in a back alley than be at home.

30. I am never satisfied, unless it's in my love life.

Thirty Day Challenge: Day Five. Ending your own life.

5. Talk about a time you considered ending your own life.

Don't judge me for this post. I think just about everybody has considered taking their life. I know the thought's crossed my mind a couple of times. I hit a very low place in eleventh grade, & then again in twelfth grade, when nothing was going how I thought it would & a lot was on my plate. I thought that my only way out would be to kill myself, but I never got up the guts to think about when or how. If you're considering suicide, you need to get in touch with a suicide hotline or talk to somebody. Once you lay your thoughts & feelings out on the table, & look at them rationally, you start to realize that nothing is as bad as it truly seems. It took a lot of personal growth for me to realize that not only would I be ending my life & ruining any dreams I ever had, I would also be hurting my family & friends, & that's not something I would want to do. Nothing that I was going through would not heal over time.

1-800-273 TALK 

The number above is a suicide hotline listed in Atlanta.

If you feel the need to talk to somebody about the thoughts you've been having, please give them a call. Your life is more valuable & more important than you think.

Thirty Day Challenge: Day Four.

4. Your views on religion.

This will probably be quite touchy.

I don't like religion. At least, not organized religion. I believe in a personal relationship with whatever higher power you believe in, not a meeting place. I think fellowship should be held on your own time, not at a designated time on a designated day.

I believe the Bible was written by man, therefore, it will have man made opinions & mistakes in it. I believe that it was divinely inspired. It didn't appear in the sky in God's hand.

I do believe that God must exist to create things like this.

Thirty Day Challenge: Day Three.

3. Your views on drugs & alcohol.

I do not personally do drugs, I don't drink. I do believe that it is your choice, however. I'm not going to put myself in a situation of addiction or self hurt for one night of fun. If you are of a stable mind to pick whether or not you want to do these things, then I believe that you should choose it for yourself.

Analisse posted on her blog that one thing she admires about me is my honesty. So, I would like to say thank you for that, & that's one of my big things I try to stick by in my day to day life.

I am on a major prowl for roommates at the moment who are going to Gordon College in the Fall of 2011. Females, one or two, who don't mind living with two guys & are going to be able to support their portion of rent, whether it be from Mommy & Daddy or a personal job.

Thirty Day Challenge: Day Two.

2. Where you'd like to see yourself in ten years.

1. I want to be married, & have at least one kid. I want to be married around 21 or 22, & have my first kid at 26. That's my perfect idea.

2. I want to be working at a Public Relations firm, hopefully doing a lot of PR stuff with corporations & people.

3. I want to be out of Henry County. Whether this includes living in Atlanta, New York, wherever my family & career takes me, I will go. I want to be somewhere that is going to allow me to flourish personally as well as spiritually.

4. I would love to be working a part time volunteer job or something at an animal shelter or vet's office.

I had lunch today with my amazing boyfriend, Spencer Lauderdale, my oldest friend, Analisse Hamilton, & somebody who has already topped the list of my favorites of Spencer's friends, Taylor Purvis. It was nice to hang out with people & just relax & eat rather than be worried about where the next party's at, or what we're going to do next. I have always hated being around groups of people because nobody can ever decide what to do when, & nobody can agree with anybody else, but being around the three of them, everything just seemed right, like we were just perfectly fine with sitting around talking, even if we were in a nasty Taco Bell, & all these trashy people were walking in, half of them speaking to me.

Analisse mentioned something in her blog: http://365cx3.blogspot.com/ that really made me smile. She said that you can tell how perfect Spencer & I am for each other because I can completely be myself with him & you can tell how much he adores me as I am. That means so much coming from somebody who has known me for as long as she has.

We have a photoshoot scheduled tomorrow, we're going to Decatur to take pictures with the graffiti & old buildings around that area. If you know anything about me, you know that I love having my picture taken, & if I had been a bit skinnier & a lot taller, I would have tried to be a model at some point in my life.

Thirty Day Challenge: Day One.

I'm taking a thirty day blog challenge.

1. Your current relationship, if single, discuss how it is.

Well, to start it off, I am not single. I started officially dating Spencer Hardin Lauderdale on November 12, 2010. We haven't been together very long, no, but I'm with him for good, & I know it.

It started on September 1, 2010, which is my birthday. He told me happy birthday, commented on a picture of mine, & we went from there.

We had a math class together when I was in eleventh grade & he was in twelfth.

He's perfect for me, in the way that he lets me be myself in everything we do, & he listens to my opinions, whether they're the same as his or not.

He thinks I'm beautiful, & he talks to me like a human being, not his dog or some cheap whore.

January 15, 2011.

Well, today should be interesting. Only not really.
I'm in my house until somebody decides to come save me from boredom. Anything other than sitting here would be highly welcomed at this moment.
I've been looking at colleges all morning. It's really beginning to drive me crazy, but it works.
I want to get all cute & go out & have like... a GOOD night.
(Not that last night wasn't absolutely perfect) I want like... a party night. Not really party... Just to be around a bunch of people.
I love my boyfriend, really, but I want to hang out with him AND other people. At the same time.

Oh, geeze, the ice & snow is finally starting to disappear around my house. We have so many trees that shade the entire area around my house, the sun hasn't been able to get down & melt it all away. I busted my BUTT the other day walking down our stairs in the back. I got to like... the second one, & I fell all the way down to the cement sidewalk.

I have an appointment with the Lyme Disease specialist on January 24th, which is a week from Monday. I'm kinda nervous, in all honesty. I don't like the doctor at all, he's one of those people that shoves his intelligence in your face. I realize that he's been treating Lyme Disease for twenty five years. I get that. But he still doesn't have to act like everybody else around him is stupid.

The Perfection Theory.

"Perfection is not just about control.

It is about losing control."

Oh, how true that quote has become recently. In my eighteen years on earth, it was my eighteenth birthday that changed my control. Years of holding my tongue, biting my cheek, heeling my thoughts was all blown away the moment I met Spencer.

I realized tonight, & have been realizing a lot lately, that he is the reason for my happiness now. He has shown me that I can be myself, & that people will still love me for that.

So far, this year's started out pretty great. I got to bring it in with Spencer, & then I've had amazing days since then.

He bought me flowers tonight, & they are so gorgeous. I love him much.

You know, I've lost basically all of my friends, but I'm absolutely positive that I'm okay with that. I've realized that it's not how many people are in your life, but how much life is in your people, & the few I've got in my life right now keep me going. It's brought me a lot closer to my family, & it's gotten my mind back on track with school & my future.

I'm done talking about all that now.

On to the real topic of this post.

Is perfection based on being in control of every single movement, or is it more based on the ability to completely grasp the insanity that lives in every single moment of every single day?

Spencer & I watched Black Swan tonight. The entire concept was thrown about that the girl's perfection was what was ruining her, & that -in hinesight- by her losing that perfection & control, she preformed perfectly.

I believe I have found recently, that the way Natalie Portman portrays the Black Swan, in the way she completely loses all concept of reality & just pushes herself out of her comfort zone & into complete insanity, is more along the lines of what I consider perfect.

The idea that anything could happen at any moment, & that in that moment something wonderful can happen, is by far my definition of perfect.