March 6, 2011.

There has been a lot on my mind this weekend.
And by a lot, I mean a lotttt.
Mainly, school. I had it set in my head that I wanted to be a big CEO of a Public Relations firm. Then, I realized that I don't want to have a desk job. I don't want to be sitting around, typing in a computer for a career. I find this a hobby, & that's it, you know?
I am finally deciding to fulfill my dream as a cosmetologist. I love doing it, & it's what I'm going to do for as long as my physical shape allows me. When it comes the time for me to stop, I will. I can't push my body too far, but I'm not going to allow it to hold me back from my dreams.

My daddy's getting married three weeks from yesterday.
I'm not really excited for it. I'm eighteen years old, & getting a new stepmom just isn't exciting anymore.
Plus, my dad's changed. A lot. He use to be so exciting, so fun to talk to & hang out with. Even at almost 58 years old, he was always interesting. And now, he's boring. He talks about old people stuff & he doesn't even seem like the dad that I've always had. As much as I appreciate Dianne getting him to go to church & such, it's not my dad anymore. He doesn't have the same life in his eyes & in his actions as he use to, & it kills me.
For anybody that knows me, both of my parents are relatively older. My mother's 54, & my dad's about to turn 58. All my life, you could never tell their age at all. You still can't tell my mom's. But now, it scares me because my dad's acting old, & it makes me realize that unlike some people whose parents are in their forties, my dad's not, & on top of all that, he's starting to actually age.

Everything's really been hitting me lately. Most people would be excited to be in their second senior year & be finally graduating. I'm scared to death. I'm three months away from leaving the comfortable state of high school & go into either living in an apartment & going to college or living on campus, either option is frightening to me. I've never been one to stay away from home. I've only gone away for more than two days with church camps. Never for longer than a week. It scares me, it's like some dark cloud looming over me, asking what happens if I get out of high school & fail at everything. What if I go out into the real world, find out that I really suck at cosmetology, & get left on my ass to be nitpicked & prodded by every skeptic out there? Then what am I suppose to do? I have no special talents, I don't handle any certain situation better than others. Nothing I do is brilliant or extraordinary. I'm a normal person. I don't have any other interest than beauty & fashion. I can't draw, or design. I can't sing. I can't do anything else artistic, & forget the business careers.
I'm not unique. There are a million other girls out there just like me with a lot more talent in the cosmetic field than I. So how am I to know that I won't get into the halls of whatever school I go to & fall flat amongst the rest of the students?

I'm think it's time to start some therapy sessions again. Dr. White, I will be giving you a call, I'm sure.

ughhh.

i really wish i knew wherethehell these mood swings came from. i was perfectly happy earlier, now i feel like i'm going to break down into tears. i don't know why. it's killing me, though, because this happens almost every night, no matter what i'm doing. at the end of the night, i break down, & i either cry, or almost cry. sometimes, i don't even sleep because i'm crying so hard & for so long, & then other times, i cry myself straight to sleep. & people wonder why i'm always tired during the day.
it's because during the day, i'm happy, & i can sleep when i'm happy.
not at night. i don't know if it's my panic attacks or just me, but it sucks.
plus, i'm in pain. not the typical, sore pain. i'm in legit pain.
people say i complain too much, well, here's what's up:
LYME DISEASE SUCKS. especially being eighteen years old & having this disease that is going to cause degeneration in every join in my body, be passed on to my kids, & will never be cured. it sucks. i would love to see the people that talk about me complaining get diagnosed with this shit & live to not complain. because it's impossible. the smallest physical activity completely drains me, & it's almost impossible for me to do my job correctly without going to the basement at work & crying for a few minutes. i can't go out & do the stuff i would normally love to do because i'm either in pain, or in the middle of a panic attack, or my medicine's messing with me & i'm sick. so next time you want to talk to ME about complaining, just imagine being a vibrant, eighteen year old girl with her entire life ahead of her, & then finding out that in the future, there will be years cut off from my life, my kids will suffer from this, & i will be in & out of doctors offices for the rest of my life. you sit there, hear that, & don't complain.
bunch of pussies. you wouldn't last more than a week.
i'm a strong person. i've learned that i will complain, but i will be okay eventually. so don't you ever, EVER tell me that i complain too much, until you feel like you're a 90 year old man with arthritis & fibromyalgia.

I just feel like

everything in my life can't get better, but it keeps on doing so. Aside from my health, everything's been going really good.

February 17, 2011.

So, I found out my ex has moved on today. The ex that treated me like I was beneath him & such has moved on. That's not the breaking news, & honestly, it doesn't even phase me. What gets me is the fact that this girl he's moved onto is 10x's the party girl I ever was, & she's like, sixteen. Now, screw me if I'm wrong, but that just doesn't seem right. Haha.
Ohwell, one of them will screw the other over, & that'll be the end of that.

Meanwhile, in FantasyLand, my life is going great(: I'm loving the time I'm spending with Spencer, whether it's those intimate moments or if we're yelling at the soccer teams on the fields. We can be around anybody, & be just as happy as we are when we're alone.

However, right now... He's not on Facebook, & I'm being paranoid.

HUGE POST! BIG UPDATE!(:

21. One of your favorite shows.

Criminal Minds.

Jersey Shore.

Bad Girls Club.

22. How have you changed in the past two years?

I've matured. I realized that I don't have to have a guy to make me happy, but I found somebody that does, & that's what learning in relationships is all about. There's nothing better than looking back on me two years ago, & seeing me now. I've changed so much, but it's all been for the better, & I love it.

23. Five celebrity males that you find attractive.

Anderson Cooper

Jake Gyllenhaal.

"Mark Sloan" from Grey's Anatomy.

Johnny Knoxville.

Travis Barker.

24. Your favorite movie & what's it about.

Green Street Hooligans.



Oh, wow.

I haven't been on in a week. I coulda sworn I was going to stick to this thing better than I have been, but ohwell. I've been busy. Or, not really busy. Just tired. & sick. I missed school Wednesday because I was in so much pain from my Lyme Disease.
Spencer has been wonderful this week. We've been lazy & cuddled every night this week, which has been really good for me because I haven't felt like doing anything. He bought me a slush puppy tonight, which was great.
I keep having to remind myself that I have him. That nobody else can take him from me. It's just hard to have the low amount of selfesteem that I have & see all these girls that he's talked to or dated or anything in the past, because I know that anybody else would easily pick them over me in the looks department. I know I have him, but there's still so much insecurity within myself, & I guess there's still a sort of lack of trust, too.
I am so tired of drama. There has been just nonstop drama that has nothing to do with me going on today, & I'm like... wtf. I just feel like I need to sit away from the computer when it's going on & let it play out.
I think there's some tension built up that I need to release. I want to find a physical release for everything. Like kickboxing or something. I need something that can calm me down.
I'm really looking forward to Valentine's day this year, which is weird, cause normally I'm like, ehhh whatever. But this year, I really have something to look forward to instead of just a normal day. & I have something planned to make Spencer's day wonderful, too.
Thing's are hopefully looking up around here. I hope... I need to start feeling better, though. I've been in excruciating pain for the past few days. If anybody wants to get me a massage therapy ticket or something, that would be amazing.
Anyways. I'm in pain now, which means I'm going to lay down. G'night. <3

Todaayyyy.

19. Disrespecting your parents.

I've disrespected my mom & dad before, yes. I don't condone it at all, but it's something that happens in every teenager's life. I do believe that sometimes, it gets you the freedom you deserve, if that makes sense, but I try to come at my mom with logical arguments, not disrespect.

20. How important do you think education is.

I think education's very important. There is a handful of people that make it big in their lives without highschool & college, & that's fine, but for me, I want to finish school & go to college & get a degree.