There has been a lot on my mind this weekend.
And by a lot, I mean a lotttt.
Mainly, school. I had it set in my head that I wanted to be a big CEO of a Public Relations firm. Then, I realized that I don't want to have a desk job. I don't want to be sitting around, typing in a computer for a career. I find this a hobby, & that's it, you know?
I am finally deciding to fulfill my dream as a cosmetologist. I love doing it, & it's what I'm going to do for as long as my physical shape allows me. When it comes the time for me to stop, I will. I can't push my body too far, but I'm not going to allow it to hold me back from my dreams.
My daddy's getting married three weeks from yesterday.
I'm not really excited for it. I'm eighteen years old, & getting a new stepmom just isn't exciting anymore.
Plus, my dad's changed. A lot. He use to be so exciting, so fun to talk to & hang out with. Even at almost 58 years old, he was always interesting. And now, he's boring. He talks about old people stuff & he doesn't even seem like the dad that I've always had. As much as I appreciate Dianne getting him to go to church & such, it's not my dad anymore. He doesn't have the same life in his eyes & in his actions as he use to, & it kills me.
For anybody that knows me, both of my parents are relatively older. My mother's 54, & my dad's about to turn 58. All my life, you could never tell their age at all. You still can't tell my mom's. But now, it scares me because my dad's acting old, & it makes me realize that unlike some people whose parents are in their forties, my dad's not, & on top of all that, he's starting to actually age.
Everything's really been hitting me lately. Most people would be excited to be in their second senior year & be finally graduating. I'm scared to death. I'm three months away from leaving the comfortable state of high school & go into either living in an apartment & going to college or living on campus, either option is frightening to me. I've never been one to stay away from home. I've only gone away for more than two days with church camps. Never for longer than a week. It scares me, it's like some dark cloud looming over me, asking what happens if I get out of high school & fail at everything. What if I go out into the real world, find out that I really suck at cosmetology, & get left on my ass to be nitpicked & prodded by every skeptic out there? Then what am I suppose to do? I have no special talents, I don't handle any certain situation better than others. Nothing I do is brilliant or extraordinary. I'm a normal person. I don't have any other interest than beauty & fashion. I can't draw, or design. I can't sing. I can't do anything else artistic, & forget the business careers.
I'm not unique. There are a million other girls out there just like me with a lot more talent in the cosmetic field than I. So how am I to know that I won't get into the halls of whatever school I go to & fall flat amongst the rest of the students?
I'm think it's time to start some therapy sessions again. Dr. White, I will be giving you a call, I'm sure.
